It Will Be A Year…

It will be a year next month. I have yet to return to his grave. Just like my grandparents, I have not shown my respect enough to his final resting spot. Guilt, sadness and fear are some of the feelings I am experiencing. My life, the past year, has been so busy. I try to find every excuse not to go and “visit”.

The other night I sat down, opened my laptop, connected to the Internet and started to review my blog. I clicked on his category, I read every story I wrote about him. I cried…

I do realize I have pushed his death away just like I did my grandparents. I didn’t have a real chance to grieve for him.

I loved him.

He was my “grandfather figure” and I was his “Girl Name Sue“. He made me laugh… He made me worry… He made me think… He made me love….

I have guilt because 2 months prior to his death, I wasn’t able to visit him like I wanted. I was having a difficult pregnancy and couldn’t visit. I wasn’t there when he passed. I feel, sometimes, I should have been there. I didn’t want him to die lonely, like he had lived a majority of his life. I suppose, that is my guilt.

Visiting his final resting place will make it a reality that my friend, I grew to love and who taught me so much, is really gone. I know that he would have wanted me to continue to help his veteran friends. I have not. I suppose it is the fear of becoming attached to someone and losing them just as I start to get to know and love them.

I know that Eugene showed me he loved me in every way. I know that I became like a daughter to him and my oldest son became like a grandson. Towards the end of his life, my family, who was very “nervous” about me being around him, started to fall in love with him.

We brought each other into “worlds” we never knew existed. He brought me into his fantasy world - and a world and life of a different reality I never had experienced. … and I brought him to a world of respect, love and honor… at least I tried to show him a different world than what he had experienced.

Again, I loved him. I never expected to fall in love with the scary man I grew to fear as a child. He made me do it… I couldn’t help it… I thank him so much for that.

I suppose I never summed up my relationship with him… let me do so now…

He was a scary man that I feared as a child and young adult until his last year on earth. He was a lost soul that no one gave a chance. I gave him that chance, or should I say he gave me that chance… a chance to get to know each other… a chance to touch each others lives like they have never been touched before… with friendship, love and so much more. I look back at when he came into my life and I realize I needed him just as much as he needed me. His land far, far away… became my worse enemy. Near the end of his life… I tried to give him the love he needed and he tried to make me smile. I know he appreciated me when he remembered who I was… I just hope he knew how much I appreciated him.

He was my friend… He taught me so much… I miss him… His name was Eugene.

…it’s just another Ordinary miracle today!